"Once a woman asked me whether I planned to breast-feed my baby, so I asked her whether she shaved her vagina. Oh, I'm sorry, you don't like personal, none-of-your-business questions?"
"And then there was my husband. My sweet, wonderful, and loving soul mate of a man, who, I successfully convinced myself, might actually be able to give me the only child on earth I'd ever be able to tolerate. Our very best qualities would merge and result in a baby who would change my view on all young people across the land. there must have been something primal about my attraction to him. It was all meant to be, I thought. But, suddenly, this man I'd picked transformed into the most irritating creature I'd ever laid eyes on."
"My husband manages to 'sleep through' our hungry infant every night. Last night I pulled all the covers off of him, threw them on the floor, and slammed the door on my way out. He didn't sleep through that."
"There is no favoritism in this family.... Today I can't stand all of my kids equally."
"No matter how old you are, no matter how badass you think you are, if a toddler hands you his ringing toy phone, you f***ing answer it"
"You know it's bad when the baby tries to nurse a fat roll instead of a boob."
"My son has a poopy diaper. I just sent him upstairs and told him to sit on DH's face. Serves my husband right for sleeping so late."
"I put twenty boxes of condoms on my baby registry. No one found it as funny as I did."